All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
