Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize