respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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