Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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