i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
