i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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