FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
