dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
There's even glitter on my cock...
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