Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
