Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize