Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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