It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
