I cut my penus on the lid.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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