apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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