I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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