you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
