this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
