I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize