I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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