Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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