Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
