I must be too annoying 4 u.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
