Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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