I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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