I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
