4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
