Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
