I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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