You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize