TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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