what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
