I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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