Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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