I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
