at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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