I'm jealous of your bromance
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
