I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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