I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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