I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize