last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
