Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
