6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
