she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
