I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
