he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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