I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
