Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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