We're like a lot better than the average bears
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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