Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I didn't notice because vodka
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
