I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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