my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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