I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
