just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
