Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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