Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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