I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
