First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
