I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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